7 Takeaways From My Abusive Relationship
By Emily Graves
*Warning: This article discusses an abusive relationship and relationship violence.*
Love can be blinding, or -- should I say -- what you think is love can be blinding. It’s like being blindfolded, walking through life and not being able to actually see what’s right in front of you; not being able to appropriately react to the curb you’re about to step off.
That was me. I was blindfolded for four years.
I like to think of myself as intelligent, stable, loyal, creative, and compassionate; and I’m sure my friends would use similar words to describe me as well. I’m not timid. I usually know what’s right and wrong and I know how to use my words to explain how I’m feeling. But not this time. Those strong qualities I’m so proud of flew right out the window. For four years, I couldn’t truly identify what was happening. I was scared to speak up. I was being manipulated and I didn’t know how to use my words to get out of it. I thought I was in love.
And the thing about love is that it means different things to different people. I was young and in love. I didn’t want to end something that could be so great. But really, I was living a double life. I was at a great college, playing my favorite sport, building lifelong friendships, and felt truly happy with where I was. I also had a boyfriend at home that no one knew about; a boyfriend that only spoke to me when it was convenient for him; a boyfriend that routinely started with ugly name-calling if I didn’t respond to a text quick enough; a boyfriend that hit me, but only when he was really angry, so I thought it was okay. He tried to alienate me from friends. He made me think I was crazy and he made me feel small. I was a different person around him.
This is a very short, and for lack of a better word, sweet description of my abusive relationship. I’m not going to say I don’t have regrets because “I learned so much about myself and I’m a better person now” and blah, blah, blah. I do have regrets. I have a crap ton of regrets that all revolve around this one relationship. And you may have heard it all before, but here are my biggest takeaways:
You come first: If you don’t do it, no one else will either. Even if your partner is just as caring and loving as you are, take care of yourself first. If you don’t feel comfortable being exactly who you are (poo breaks, silly jokes, lazy Sundays, and all) this is a huge red flag.
Compromise is a two-way street: Don’t be the only person giving things up. Sacrifices are very different from compromises. Make sure your happiness and comfort are considered in all situations.
Have discussions, not fights: Once something hurtful is said, you can never take it back. Don’t let the heat of the moment get the best of you. Take time to talk it out and listen to understand.
Friends and family matter: These are the people you spend a lot of time with, in and out of various relationships. They can tell you a good deal about the characters of whomever you’re dating. (They told me a ton about mine, I just refused to listen.)
Be supported: Does your partner believe you can reach the stars and be anything you want to be? Are they willing to support you while you grow? Well they should!
Trust your instincts: Your frustrations are proof that something is wrong. The knot of anxiety in your stomach is not normal. Someone does not have to hit you to cause you pain. Trust your instincts.
And although seven tips doesn’t sound as good as five or three, it may be the most important, so here we are with number seven:
You need to feel loved: Don’t be with someone who doesn't make you feel loved and secure every single day. Just because someone says “I love you,” doesn't mean they actually do. Trust actions.
I know that I am intelligent. I am tenacious. I’m radiant, authentic, bold, kind, and creative. And now, I’m even in love, the good kind. The kind that fills my whole body, the kind that’s supported by actions, the kind that’s supportive of my ambitions, and the kind that compromises when needed. And it’s a pretty great feeling.