Makena and I had the pleasure of chatting with Ayana Terán-Calderon on F*ck Wellness this week and the conversation was so aligned with this newsletter’s mission that I wanted to include some of the interview here. Ayana is a personal trainer dedicated to reclaiming space within the fitness industry to decenter conventional, skinny and white-centric representations of being "fit." I selected some of my favorite parts of the pod episode and put them below. Enjoy!

Our theme this month on F*ck Wellness is money and it has been really hard for me to fully process everything. I’ve always been someone who doesn’t think about money too much, both because of my financial privilege to have basic needs meet but also because I hate thinking about money.

I had an epiphany last week. Most “rest” in group fitness class settings is performative. What do I mean? Well, I feel like in most HIIT classes I’ve been to, the rest period just becomes transition time or is so short that it can hardly be called “rest time.” There is obviously a purpose to that; for some HIIT intervals, keeping your heart rate high is the goal. But it feels so odd to call it “rest” when it never feels very restful.

I think at this point most of you know my complicated relationship with movement — a saga that sometimes feels a bit never-ending. During the pandemic, I felt so sure I was listening to my body. I went on walks, did yoga, taught a few virtual classes, and occasionally biked. I was gentle with my body. I was kind and compassionate (for the most part, nobody’s perfect lol). I honestly thought that I would never go back to HIIT or cycle or weight-lifting. I was happy with the movement choices I had adopted.

Yesterday I had the loveliest conversation with a sophomore at GW who was interested in becoming a group fitness instructor. It felt very full circle because during my sophomore year is when I met with Erin (the previous fitness and wellness coordinator) about becoming a group fitness instructor. But my conversation with Emily (fake name for anonymity) was so fundamentally different than my conversation with Erin 6 years ago.

It’s 12:15pm in the afternoon on a Monday. I’m on hour five of my first full day back in the office after 14 months of remote or hybrid work. I’ve refreshed my email 12 times in the past 15 minutes. No new emails. I sit at my desk in the windowless office given to me a mere two weeks before the pandemic, so the walls are white, covered with absolutely nothing. My faux wood desk contains a bottle of Clorox disinfecting spray, the work computer I haven’t touched since February 2020, and an empty bottle of lavender hand sanitizer from Whole Foods that was exorbitantly priced. What the hell am I doing?

I used to think that this blank slate was a disadvantage. It seemed like everyone around me knew everything there is to know about spirituality. How crystals worked, how to read tarot, what a fucking birth chart was. I didn’t know anything. For a while, I was interested in learning as much as I possibly could but as my own individual connection and trust grew stronger I started to lose the urge to know and understand everything. It actually became almost suffocating to hear about all of the things I should be doing or I could be doing in the spiritual space. That pressure to do it all to be worthy of your spiritual practice is what I affectionately call a spiritual chore chart.

This week concludes our month discussing body image and I have to say — it was powerful. We had four exceptional guests this month, Rachel Onefater, Liz Schlyer, Dr. Mark Covington-Booth, and Darr Jenkins + all of our community episode letter writers! Our guests this month brought such unique perspectives to body image and we appreciate them all so much.

It’s been exactly ONE YEAR since our first episode dropped last May and wow what a year! We just wanted to drop by and say thank you for listening, supporting us, and encouraging our growth. We truly appreciate you all so much. We do have one birthday wish however. If you could leave a rating or review on Apple Podcast in honor of our one year anniversary that would mean the world to us! Additionally, if you could send one of your favorite episodes to a friend who you think would benefit, that would be amazing as well.

This week concludes our month discussing life transitions and I have to say — IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST. I’m sad to see this theme go, but life transitions is such a huge part of our podcast so it won’t really go away! We had four exceptional guests this month, Victoria Jane, Nate Harper, Dr. Ava Safaie, and Gretchen Driscoll. They absolutely rocked our world and changed the way we view transitions, grief, and life changes.

I keep my baking soda in a mason jar under the sink and last night when I was cleaning my kitchen I remembered that this mason jar used to be where I put the things I loved about you. It’s funny how fast your mind and body can be catapulted back to that moment in time. When all that mattered was feeling your hand hold mine and hearing your heartbeat when I laid my head on your chest. That mason jar holds the memory of you and me, stuck forever in that teenage dream.

Yesterday marked one year since Lara, Makena, and I launched F*ck Wellness (originally the Generation Three Girls Podcast). We learned a ton about ourselves, friendship, wellness, and how to record, edit, and publish episodes. I wanted to take a few minutes to reflect on some of my favorite episodes and lessons that I’ve learned in the past year.

A while back on F*ck Wellness, Mal told the story about how growing up she would pray every single night. Even though she was a self-described atheist who didn’t grow up in a religious home she repeated the same prayer nightly before bed. When she first told someone that she did this it was a vulnerable task. Turns out though, she is not alone. Lara also shared that she does something similar, repeats the same saying or prayer every single night.

Have you ever described yourself as “lacking willpower?” I certainly have. It is the term we use when we ate a cupcake after spending four dreadful hours trying to ignore it. It is what we say when we sit on the couch instead of going on a run. It denotes an air of laziness with a splash of shame and guilt. But what is “willpower” and what does it mean to “lack it?”

I posted a reel on Saturday about how 16-year-old Mallory decided to give up sweets on a 5 day cruise from Italy to Greece. The apex of the story comes when we got off the cruise ship to explore a little town in Italy and my step sister bought a cinnamon roll from a market nearby and offered me a bite. I decidedly, with the discipline of a very tormented person, said that I was not eating sweets and did not want a bite. I’m sure I said it in a very kind way. I very much regret that moment. First of all, I remember it looking VERY delicious. Secondly, I was in Italy refusing a baked good?! Who does that? I’ve honestly thought of that moment multiple times since, imaginarily punching myself for not taking a bite of this probably-delectable roll.

This week concludes our month discussing vulnerability and goodness I feel invigorated, emotionally-drained, and ready to take on the WORLD. I’m sad to see this theme go, but vulnerability is such a huge part of our podcast so it won’t really go away! We had two exceptional guests this month, Nate Harper and Erica Hoff. They absolutely rocked our world and changed the way we view vulnerability, courage, and authenticity.

Hello new F*ck Wellness listener! We are so excited that you’ve chosen to listen to our podcast. On F*ck Wellness, we say f*ck you to the wellness industry by building a definition of wellness that aligns with what you actually need. From figuring out what the hell crystals do to getting at the root of our crippling anxieties about the future, co-hosts Lara, Mallory, and Makena are here to help you redefine wellness on your terms. Join us every Wednesday for conversations that take us one step closer to our truth right alongside you.

My friend, a fellow trainer and group fitness instructor, sent me this post a few days ago. It was created by an Instagram influencer that calls himself “Diesel Dad” and has almost 100K followers. I can’t get it out of my head.

We had such a blast discussing sexuality this month. We are so sad to see the month go. Head to this blog post for a roundup of our podcast episodes, blog posts, and resources from the month.